What It Means To Be A Man - A Beginning

It's not following Andrew Tate or other base hedonism-marketers

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

There’s a difference between base and based - and this isn’t a discussion of elements. When you’re based, you’re exhibiting an admirable lack of concern for the deriding opinions of others and are living in some way that resonates with what humans know, deep in their souls, is good for humanity.

When you’re base, you’re showing off traits and behaviors that are counter to decency and goodness. You’re at your base state- carnal, lascivious, indecent, crass, selfish, and mean-spirited.

Andrew Tate and his ilk are not based. They’re base. They have chosen to devolve from what we know men and masculinity to truly be into their base state: hedonistic, carnally-driven (in other words, following the lusts of the flesh), crass, and essentially their worst state.

Unfortunately, Tate-ites are very appealing to young men today - young men who are very vulnerable. These young men have been allowed by their loving and busy and far-too-lax and emotionally uninvolved parents to become addicted to social media and the dopamine that reels and other bite-sized blogs and slugs provide. Their parents are far too focused on managing their kids’ emotions - such that these kids and others decide that emotions are everything that matters (I call this the Inside Out effect) - and not anywhere near focused enough on rearing, nurturing, and training their boys into stand-up men who know and understand the value of restraint, self-respect, and respect for others.

So Tate-ites are able to take advantage of dopamine-addicted boys by giving them even more dopamine, in the form of justification of base desires and the expression of them.

I say again that Tate-ites are using justification to appeal to these young men. Justification of desires and urges that these young men have been taught to suppress and try to avoid expressing. Tate-ites also say a lot about the culture that’s encouraging young men to suppress and restrain these desires and urges - and what they say is effective because it’s at least partly true. The way many young men have been preached at about the harm that men have done to the world over the centuries and the damage that ‘patriarchy’ has done to women and the larger society has been ineffective, demeaning, and demoralizing.

The preaching has been ineffective, because the people saying these things tend to have not had a particularly male experience in life - and they have not sought to understand the boys and men they’re preaching at. This is because many of these preachers don’t actually want to fix anything - they just want to score points and get followers/cred/clout/money.

Think about it. If you sincerely want to convince somebody of your point of view - are you always on the attack? You know that will never work. Do you disregard your audience’s experience and perspective? No. You build on it. You work peaceably toward a shared understanding.

People who invented the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ aren’t working toward that shared understanding. They’re trying to score points and get followers/cred/clout/money. More on that in a moment.

The preaching has been demeaning because it has largely been about diminishing the beautiful role that men play in the world. It’s been about saying that women and the world don’t need men, and they definitely don’t need masculine men who have muscles, strong opinions, and excellent work ethic. When you bring this up, the preaching crowd that is out for points and f/c/c/m will call you names like bigot and misogynist and will say things like, “Yeah, well now it’s men’s turn to be diminished and demeaned after what you did to women.”

I actually agree that men need to be patient with the overcorrection that started happening a while back where men were portrayed by mass media as doofuses and the like. The bad aspects of ‘patriarchy’ have led to this and while I’m not culpable in those things, I can certainly be part of the solution by being patient and understanding. And I can also write articles like this encouraging all who read it that a ceasefire is in order now.

In fact, I think Gerwig’s “Barbie” movie was a powerful symbol of the need for a ceasefire. It deftly outlined all the battle lines that the so-called war between the sexes have drawn and fought over. The movie highlighted these battle lines, pointed at them, and said “quit it.” Overall, I loved that movie.

And it’s time to stop thinking that to elevate and empower girls and women - we need to diminish and demean men and boys. That’s never been true. Even though for thirty+ years, our major institutions have been doing exactly that: diminishing and demeaning and ignoring boys and men in favor of women.

Lift and empower women. Lift and empower men. Both of these things can happen. People who say they can’t aren’t sincere participants in a healthy society.

The phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ is a large part of the diminishment and demeaning of boys and men. How? Well, what does it mean? More on that at the end, as a sort of coda to this piece.

The preaching has also been demoralizing because it’s done in a way that many boys and men simply cannot win. Now, this is nothing to new to our society - especially regarding women. Society is so full of double-, triple-, and more standards for women that many girls and women look around and simply cannot find a clear path into a happy, peaceful, life where they don’t feel like they’re being judged all the time. America Ferrera’s speech in Barbie about this is magnificent and accurate and is such a wonderfully crafted expression of the frustration girls and women face. Because they simply can’t win based on society’s pressures. It’s demoralizing, isn’t it?

That’s happening for boys and men now, too. Just a couple of examples: If you’re too decisive, you’re being a toxic male. If you’re too unassertive, you’re weak-willed and dull. If you’re too focused on health and fitness, you’re a gym bro and trying to be an alpha and are pre-judged non-stop. If you’re overweight and struggling with your health, you’re weak and don’t have much to offer the world.

Walking the shifting line as defined by the preachers of falsehoods and hedonism and sex-equality is impossible. For both sexes. And it’s dispiriting to everyone because most of us want to make a positive impact in the world. And we want to become our best selves and live true to what we feel in our core is our ideal path forward.

But the preachers don’t care. They want followers/cred/clout/money - not solutions and not happy boys and men. They do everything for show. It’s all virtue signaling performance and they’re confused and empty because the wells they keep turning to quench their thirst for meaning are dry and never had anything substantial in them. They drink sour cups of fist-shaking activist rage and try to become contagious and viral for that money and power and visibility.

What does it mean to be a man?

Partly, it means to decline to participate in the rage. To decline to participate in the drawing of battle lines and wars of words and posts and memes.

It means to disconnect our sense of identity and self from the internet and social media and the sour cup drinkers and fillers - and to teach ourselves to turn to true meaning and fulfillment. Teach ourselves to identify where true meaning and fulfillment and joy exist in this world - then to seek those things with clear and determined focus and energy.

We must divorce our identity from our career and our academic and physical pursuits. We must step away from these things mentally and emotionally and build a foundation of identity and meaning on those things that will never run dry: family, service, health, and partnering with a woman for whom we can be all in on being a helpmeet and companion - and who is all in on doing the same for us.

And it also means to learn to express ourselves clearly, with careful and deliberate impact. This is why I want to share why the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ is a net negative in every possible way.

1. It’s not meant to solve anything - only to draw a battle line and provoke anger and agreement.

2. It’s not about helping men be better. It’s only about telling boys that literally anything they might do could be construed by others as toxic masculinity.

3. The phrase carries menace and insult.

4. The phrase has no particularly useful definition. Consider this attempt at a definition from Psychology Today:

Toxic masculinity is the result of a set of strict rules that prescribe what being a man should be. These toxic "man rules" include:

1. A man should suffer physical and emotional pain in silence.

2. A man shouldn’t seek warmth, comfort, or tenderness.

3. A man should only have the emotions of bravery and anger. Any other emotions are weaknesses. Weakness is unacceptable.

4. A man shouldn’t depend on anyone. Asking for help is also weak.

5. A man should always want to win, whether in sports, work, relationships, or sex.

To rebut each of these:

1. Any adult must learn to sometimes suffer physical and emotional pain in silence. Men and women. Women are taught to do this too. The wrong thing about this is not gendered - it’s when anybody takes it too far. But the ability to suffer in silence when needed is key to being an adult.

2. Men are not taught this. That’s an asinine idea. All married men over thousands of years who love their wife know this. If a man teaches a boy this, it’s wrong. If a woman teaches a boy this, it’s wrong. If a man or woman teaches a girl this, it’s wrong. This is not a gendered trait. And no, your notion that culturally men have been doing this isn’t wrong - but we all know that anyone teaching it is making a mistake. And men have known this for years. Watch Field of Dreams and you’ll see.

3. Stupid. There’s nothing wrong with teaching boys and men to build their courage and to healthily express anger. There’s nothing wrong with doing the same for girls and women. This is not a gendered trait. People who do what this item say are making a mistake - no matter their sex.

4. Not a gendered mistake. Women and men both err when they teach or practice this.

5. Not a gendered mistake.

These traits are not toxic masculinity. They are toxic. Period. Non-gendered. If anyone does these, they’re making a mistake. And both sexes have done these things throughout the years - even if there’s an idea that men have done it most. That’s simply not true. People who say that haven’t read or understood their history very well at all.

Thanks for reading. As always, if you made it this far, I like you best. Please share and subscribe.