How to Beat the Technology Takeover...
of your kids' lives
My wife and I, like many parents our age, have had to try to keep up with the relentless advent of technology and social media, as well as the constant ability to listen to whatever music or other voices you’re interested in.
We are the first generation of parents having to deal with this stuff, so we’re trying to embrace the awesome possibilities and opportunities that these developments bring us - while at the same time equipping our kids with the hopefully-lifelong tools to use these things wisely. ALL WHILE doing our best to protect the kids from the truly evil stuff that finds its way to the internet.
Long story short: it’s not easy. Instinct tells us that kids are on phones too much, that there are too many screens and too much screen time. We see schools and their cumbersome approach and too often feel like they’re part of the problem - with their promotion of take-home garbage computers and reliance on phone use in the classroom.
It’s hard, friends. Especially because we haven’t been able to keep up with things as well as we’d have liked.
And now we have things like this amazing project Jonathan Haidt is doing, aggregating loads of research that is showing - unequivocally - that smart phones are simply bad for kids. The research there also includes write-ups on phone-free schools.
We have to make some pretty broad changes as a society if we want to help the upcoming generations. Those broad changes start small. And they must start. The mental and overall health of our kids and the actual propagation of our families fully depends on this.
So, my wife and I have learned a lot and I want to share a list of ten rules I would have implemented, hard and fast, from the get-go, if I’d known just how frustratingly hard this process would be. Many of these are adapted from several things my lovely wife initiated when she was the stay-at-home parent, and that I’ve tried to build on since I became the stay-at-home parent. Others are less rule and more intentional mechanism. In every case, we practice these now to make up the frustrating ground we lost while just trying to raise kids in a complex world! It’s going well. I wish we’d learned to be firmer earlier on.
No headphones during any kind of family time or collaborative work. Kids don’t have the same perception that many adults do - that it’s rude to have something in your ear at all times, even when with others. But a firmly enforced rule from early on will help them see how much they miss when they have an earbud in. Earbuds in the ear, whether playing music or not, is a simple and easy train to hop on to disengagement. Also, the people you’re with have a reasonable expectation that they can get your attention without shouting.
No screens behind closed doors ever (no phone in bathroom or bedroom, no computer/tablet in bedroom). I’m nearly fifty. I don’t bring my phone into the bathroom. I work in our home office with the door wide open unless I’m recording or interviewing. Not because I’m afraid of anything - because I will not put myself in a place where the outright evil and perverse garbage on the internet can even touch me. I’m not afraid of the orcs, I’m arming myself against their inevitable attacks.
Zero social media (including YouTube) on phones until they’re at least 16. This is simply necessary. Social media is too easily toxic and promotes crappy health. It’s also a dopamine feed that will grab the kids (and adults) and hold them tight. None of it is allowed. The only YouTube is allowed on a screen where other people are present. What happens when your kids say, “But all my friends”? You tell your kids that your family is better than them. I kid, but don’t back down. Just inform your kids that your family is happy to be unique.
Quiet times every day. Maybe just have an outside time with the family. Or gather everyone for a prayer but first sit for a couple of minutes. No books, no phones, no chatting. Just staring off into the distance.
All gaming/media has to be earned in .5-hour increments through quiet time, chore completion, music practice, outside time, etc. We do this. It helps them prioritize the important things over what should be recreation - not the default activity. Also, a cut off time for media - including phone-based media like reels and the like. This is all a bit complex, but there are simple ways to help the kids track it and be accountable.
No texting before 8AM and after 10PM. No flexibility. Friends need to learn that they don’t have 24/7 access to our kids. And our kids need to not feel obligated to respond to every text at all hours. Our minds and hearts need rest and peace and quiet. I practice this in every aspect of my life, except for in my work as clergy, and it is very nice. Also, I only respond for potential emergencies. Kids? They absolutely must learn that they cannot take responsibility for managing their friends’ emotional states. Due to the constant connection with friends due to texts and discord and other apps, kids find themselves totally caught up in the momentary minutiae of the drama in the messages. Let it go.
No phone use at school. None. Our kids can take the phones assigned to them to school, but they’re not to use them during school time. Only before and after. Teachers have to be informed of this sometimes if they’re being idiotic and using phones for learning experiences. Note: learning doesn’t happen on phones. Learning requires things to go from short-term to long-term memory and phones are short-term memory destroying machines.
Every phone assigned to kids is the parents’ phone and they all have the same password. Privacy on phones? Doesn’t exist. It. Doesn’t. Exist. Make phone checks a regular thing that happens less often than regular one-on-one chats with the kids. Help them be invested in their own health and good habits and keep it as collaborative as possible. Reduce adversarialism as much as possible. And remember you’re the parent and you’re in charge. Stand up, stick to your principles. It’s totally doable to set down clear, hard, strong rules without being a tyrant. Keep trying.
Phone-free family time. Meals, movies, conversations, and plenty more activities are diminished when someone rudely tunes out to look at their phone. Kids who look at phones while watching a movie are demonstrating addiction and are actively doing damage to themselves. Family time is phone-free. Period. Family dinner is almost as sacred as church and prayer. No phones at the table; no phone calls (with the exception of clergy needs for me - not even work should interrupt meals).
Parents lead by word and example. Parents have to hold the line. You deserve your best, your partner deserves your best, and your kids deserve your best. Consider how toothless you make your partner’s efforts to tell the kids to be off their phones if you’re scrolling when you shouldn’t be. And parents, when you’re with your partner - that’s family time. No phones unless needed. Give your partner your full attention.
These are all extreme…ly reasonable. I promise they work. I’d love to know if you have anything not listed here!
Thanks for reading to the end! I hope you found this useful. We all have the greatest, most delightful blessing on the planet: a family. Let’s do our best for them.